About Feedback: Confidence

By: Mary L Bennett, CEC, CIA, MBA

I am often asked about confidence as a developmental need.  This is most often asked about women, rarely about men.  This is an issue in and of itself as it reflects a form of bias through conclusions drawn. 

"She just needs more confidence"
"He told me that I lack confidence"
"I think I have a confidence problem"

In the U.S., especially in business, we often hold confidence in great esteem.  So whats the problem?  What do we mean by confidence?  The way someone speaks? The way someone behaves? The way someone treats others around them? Are we speaking of the way in which the individual is viewed by others?  The way in which the individual views themselves?   Whose definition of confidence should we use? 

Confidence is a deceptively complex topic and quality.  It is very subjective and highly influenced by many factors, such as how we were raised, our experiences, and especially who is making the judgement or "rating" our confidence. 

To help others who you "perceive" to have a confidence issue, it is best to move away from judgements to actual relevant behavior and it's impact.  If you think you have a confidence issue, the same applies- what is the behavior or impact of this confidence issue?  In 95% of the coaching scenarios I have worked on relative to confidence, the individual must pull apart and examine the details of what has been identified by someone as a confidence issue in order to make progress.

Relative to gender, race or other other aspects of diversity, confidence is a very slippery slope. It is important to look at the majority group in any culture or environment and determine how they demonstrate and "act out" behaviors or confidence.  These are considered cultural norms, created by that group or organization. These norms are often unconsciously created, but not always.  These are however, not necessarily true definitions or behaviors that constitute evidence of confidence. A common example is young men learning to "act confident" on sports teams and in locker rooms, possibly even involving the harassment of those who do not conform to this set of behaviors. This demonstrated behavior does not tell us about the true confidence potential of any of the individuals involved.  Similar rituals exist among women or in various cultures.  Among these groups the behaviors that "signal" confidence might be very different and also may not tell us anything about the true confidence level of the individuals.  It is common to observe teams where the leader reveres confidence as a trait, based on their own version of confidence.  The team follows the leader attempting to "act out" confidence the way in which the leader demonstrates and prefers.  This is not a recipe for a confident team, or a strong one. 

Confidence has many layers to it, our concerns over it are contextual and should be examined in light of cultural norms and impact of the "lack of confidence".  Most especially, we must examine the multitude of underlying developmental needs that may actually be important such as credibility, demonstration of strategic thinking, building relationships, and many more.